First of all, I must say that I have lied to you all. (Isn't that a great way to start the most truthful blog post I've ever written) And rightfully so, have I lied. I mean I struggle with a mental illness and I have been in a spiral of depression over the last six months. I don't want people to know that! Yet here I am telling you all about it. So here we go.
Here is how this pit of depression started. It was a fine day on an airplane home from London, England. I was reflecting back on this amazing experience I had studying abroad and how grateful I was for the Gospel and the people I had met. But something happened on that plane. My thoughts started to shift from gratitude to bitterness, granted it wasn't just one plane ride that did this to me, but over the next few months I chose to be bitter, jealous and ungrateful relying 0% on my Heavenly Father. I started to feel unworthy and unimportant. I started to feel incredibly lonely and it seemed that no matter what I did to fix it, it just kept getting worse and worse. This loneliness then turned into an obsession over infinite inadequacies that I figured I would never be able to overcome as well as distancing myself from the people I loved the very most. I became so obsessed with how I was never going to be good enough that I could hardly feel joy in anything I was doing.
This obsession turned into extreme jealousy of everyone. I looked at all my friends and people I was surrounded by and thought everyone else must have a way better life than I do. It seemed that while I was struggling just to function like a normal human, my friends were off getting married and graduating college and doing all of these incredible things. Meanwhile, in my twisted brain, I was sitting here thinking I was accomplishing nothing and doing nothing with my life. Everyone was better than I was, which must have meant that Heavenly Father loved them more.
I was so jealous of everyone that I didn't even realize what a mess I was making for myself. I was so self-centered and so focused on me that I was keeping myself in this pit of depression that followed me everywhere I went. I couldn't find joy in anything. Everything seemed to be a chore. I had to tell myself every day that some day things would be better; but then I'd wake up and things would be exactly the same. It seemed to never end. This repeatedly miserable life I was living just kept getting more and more miserable and I was stuck.
Over the last few weeks, however, something started to click in my brain. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe the reason I was so depressed was due to my lack of faith and reliance on the Lord. I remember talking to my friend and saying, "My life isn't centered on the Gospel at all. I have no faith in God." Do you want to know what her reply was? "Well then center it and have faith!"
At first I was so mad. I started thinking, No Han, you don't need this! You don't need the Lord. You're fine. You're doing just great without the Gospel.
Those thoughts were so incredibly wrong. I can now admit (and this humility still stings a little) but I can now admit that I was stuck in the pride cycle. I didn't need a Savior; I didn't need grace; I needed a nap and some space from this Gospel that I felt provided me nothing but insecurities and doubt.
Now, I realize that openly admitting I am a terribly flawed, single woman is a risk in some ways. I realize social media tends to be used for more perfect things. I'm sure I risk losing some dates; I'm sure I risk losing friends who think I am an emotional disaster and ultimately I risk employers reading this and going "Oh boy, what have we gotten ourselves into." But to all those people I must say that I really don't care. For the first time in my life, I just really don't care about what people think of me. In fact I want people to know that I struggle! I am an incredibly flawed and inadequate human.
But I have decided that for that reason, I am pretty freaking rad. I've got so much going for me in knowing that even though I have so many inadequacies and so many things I could be doing better, the Lord will never ever give up on me. And I know that for a fact. And for that reason I felt it necessary to revamp the blog I have neglected for so long. To help someone out there to know that that someone can change. That that someone can "choose to believe" as they put it so well this past General Conference. Choose faith over fear. I am a testament that it works. That the Lord is real and He knows us. But we must come to Him; He won't come to us unless we let him in and actively seek him. Seek and ye shall find Him knock and He shall open the door and let you in. This is my hope for each of you.
Over and out,