The One Where I Vowed to Never Write Again

Oops. Look's like that vow didn't go very far. Hopefully my wedding vows are a little more solid.

First of all, I must say that I have lied to you all. (Isn't that a great way to start the most truthful blog post I've ever written) And rightfully so, have I lied. I mean I struggle with a mental illness and I have been in a spiral of depression over the last six months. I don't want people to know that! Yet here I am telling you all about it. So here we go.

Here is how this pit of depression started. It was a fine day on an airplane home from London, England. I was reflecting back on this amazing experience I had studying abroad and how grateful I was for the Gospel and the people I had met. But something happened on that plane. My thoughts started to shift from gratitude to bitterness, granted it wasn't just one plane ride that did this to me, but over the next few months I chose to be bitter, jealous and ungrateful relying 0% on my Heavenly Father. I started to feel unworthy and unimportant. I started to feel incredibly lonely and it seemed that no matter what I did to fix it, it just kept getting worse and worse. This loneliness then turned into an obsession over infinite inadequacies that I figured I would never be able to overcome as well as distancing myself from the people I loved the very most. I became so obsessed with how I was never going to be good enough that I could hardly feel joy in anything I was doing. 

This obsession turned into extreme jealousy of everyone. I  looked at all my friends and people I was surrounded by and thought everyone else must have a way better life than I do. It seemed that while I was struggling just to function like a normal human, my friends were off getting married and graduating college and doing all of these incredible things. Meanwhile, in my twisted brain, I was sitting here thinking I was accomplishing nothing and doing nothing with my life. Everyone was better than I was, which must have meant that Heavenly Father loved them more. 

I was so jealous of everyone that I didn't even realize what a mess I was making for myself. I was so self-centered and so focused on me that I was keeping myself in this pit of depression that followed me everywhere I went. I couldn't find joy in anything. Everything seemed to be a chore. I had to tell myself every day that some day things would be better; but then I'd wake up and things would be exactly the same. It seemed to never end. This repeatedly miserable life I was living just kept getting more and more miserable and I was stuck. 

Over the last few weeks, however, something started to click in my brain. I started to realize that maybe, just maybe the reason I was so depressed was due to my lack of faith and reliance on the Lord. I remember talking to my friend and saying, "My life isn't centered on the Gospel at all. I have no faith in God." Do you want to know what her reply was? "Well then center it and have faith!"

At first I was so mad. I started thinking, No Han, you don't need this! You don't need the Lord. You're fine. You're doing just great without the Gospel. 

Those thoughts were so incredibly wrong. I can now admit (and this humility still stings a little) but I can now admit that I was stuck in the pride cycle. I didn't need a Savior; I didn't need grace; I needed a nap and some space from this Gospel that I felt provided me nothing but insecurities and doubt. 

Now, I realize that openly admitting I am a terribly flawed, single woman is a risk in some ways. I realize social media tends to be used for more perfect things. I'm sure I risk losing some dates; I'm sure I risk losing friends who think I am an emotional disaster and ultimately I risk employers reading this and going "Oh boy, what have we gotten ourselves into." But to all those people I must say that I really don't care. For the first time in my life, I just really don't care about what people think of me. In fact I want people to know that I struggle! I am an incredibly flawed and inadequate human. 

But I have decided that for that reason, I am pretty freaking rad. I've got so much going for me in knowing that even though I have so many inadequacies and so many things I could be doing better, the Lord will never ever give up on me. And I know that for a fact. And for that reason I felt it necessary to revamp the blog I have neglected for so long. To help someone out there to know that that someone can change. That that someone can "choose to believe" as they put it so well this past General Conference. Choose faith over fear. I am a testament that it works. That the Lord is real and He knows us. But we must come to Him; He won't come to us unless we let him in and actively seek him. Seek and ye shall find Him knock and He shall open the door and let you in. This is my hope for each of you. 

Over and out, 

HKW

A Little Victory for Hannah Karen

Since the beginnings of my battle with depression and perfectionism, I have come to little epiphanies or victories if you will. They often come in small doses and more often than not come irregularly but nonetheless, they do come. And when they do I am reminded why I decide to continually keep struggling with this and to continually strive to fight it.

I, like all of you, struggle with many things. Life is hard. There are financial woes, heartaches, stresses, frustrations and all kinds of other things that seem to constantly be dragging many down into a state of misery and discouragement. (I know, I'm 20. How could I have dealt with anything discouraging? Just trust me.) Even the most elect of this human population would agree with me in saying that life is just inherently difficult. No wonder people are so depressed! Times are hard! We are all trying to live up to a certain standard and when we fall short, we are getting down on ourselves for not quite measuring up.

I believe humans naturally tend to have a "glass half empty" approach. It is simply in our nature to immediately see the negative in a situation. (You can disagree with me all you want but even the most positive person in the world has struggled with negativity at one point or another.) Being positive takes a LOT of work, whereas being negative seems to be easy. It's easy to look at some of the things I have struggled with and still struggle with and think, "Why me? This sucks."

We often hear in church/Pinterest/business settings that, "It is our reaction to adversity, and not the adversity itself that makes us who we are... blah blah blah." Okay so what you're telling me is that when my bank account starts going negative I should immediately have a positive reaction and praise the Lord? Cause that is never my first inclination.

I would like to suggest instead perhaps a different way of interpreting this quote. That is to say that instead of our IMMEDIATE reaction to adversity making us who we are, I would suggest that it is instead our reaction DURING our adversity that truly makes us who we are.

Now, I don't expect any human being to be particularly positive and upbeat 100% of the time in which said person is struggling with something difficult. I find that to be much too exhausting and frankly, I'm all for some well-worded sarcastic negativity. However, I believe that in order for adversity to change us and make us better, something has got to change within us DURING the trial. Whether that's a better attitude or a greater willingness to humble ourselves before God is a personal thing. But I believe what it universally comes down to is this: through every trial and through every heartache we must find SOMETHING good. I know I sound like a total cliché  and that this is nothing new but boy, is it difficult to truly commit to doing this, especially when dealing with things that are incredibly difficult. However I have been practicing for several weeks now and I can tell you that once you get started and really dedicate yourself to finding the good, you'll be amazed at what you discover!

I have found as I have dedicated my thoughts to embracing the challenges I experience and being willing to conquer them with the Lord's help that I have felt a new sense of motivation and peace and stronger desire to keep moving forward. So try it! Find something good. I know some of you are thinking I'm Positive Penny and that this is ridiculous, but I promise usually I'm Grumpy Han and when I pull the Positive Han out of my pocket, miracles happen. So just trust me! Get some good positive thoughts running through your mind. You will be amazed at what they can do if you commit yourself to the positivity and keep moving forward.

That One Time I Decided Not to Go On a Mission...

Once upon a time in a city far, far away lived a girl who could not stick to her commitments and decisions. It seemed she would make a decision, feel confident in the decision, then immediately proceed to make a completely different decision. The more she tried to decide what to do, the more deciding overwhelmed her and she was sick of deciding the wrong decisions.

Okay enough with the closed captioning. This girl was obviously me and this wasn't once upon a time. In fact, it was last week.

People always told me getting ready for a mission would be difficult but I didn't realize it was going to be THIS difficult. I mean if someone would have mentioned to me that mission prep. included major breakdowns mixed with feelings of inadequacy, depression, doubt, frustration and about everything in between, maybe I wouldn't have signed up for this gig? I'd be lying if I told you I haven't been extremely struggling with these feelings of self-doubt over the past couple months.

One night in particular these feelings became extra difficult to deal with while staying in a hotel in the middle of Paris, France. These feelings became so difficult to bear, in fact, that I decided, ya know what. This is too much! I can't do this. I can't serve a mission. I am a depressed, emotional human being and I am not good enough to serve a mission. It's just not going to happen at this point in my life. Maybe I could have handled it before but now I can't anymore and the Lord will understand.

I have never felt so far away from the Lord. My prayers became something like, "Oh hey. It's me. You forgot me and I'm trying to figure this out by myself. Thanks for nothing. Amen." (Harsh. I know.) I was just so utterly frustrated and confused. Why was preparing to do something so great with my life proving to be so incredibly difficult?

After spending a week panicking about what I was going to do with my life for the next year and half if I wasn't going to serve a mission, I felt very strongly that I needed to have a long discussion with my parents about what the heck was going on. Finally I followed the prompting and picked up the phone for a chat with my favorite humans, Dave and Nance. And of course, like they always so wisely do, they counseled me, "Hannah, we support whatever you want to do. But we just want to be sure that you're making a decision based on faith and not fear."

Then it hit me. I was so afraid of having depression while being on a mission that I had decided distancing myself from the Lord would somehow be beneficial for me. At this point I knew what I had to do. I knew who the enemy was and I knew exactly how to conquer him.

Immediately I started looking up talks, scriptures, and General Conference addresses about faith conquering fear and trusting in the Lord. I knew that conquering Satan would only work if I were to enlist the help of the Lord.

It was only after all this reading and praying that I came to some insightful conclusions. First and foremost, that I was more than adequate to serve a mission and that things were going to be okay; I could do this! Secondly and perhaps most profoundly I came to the conclusion that Satan was using fear to convince me that I was incapable of serving a mission and moving forward with a decision I knew to be true.

Although my story is not always a "happily ever after," and I'm sure I will have many more battles with Satan, as will you, there is something I know this time around that I forgot last time and that is this: we have a Heavenly Father who will be there for us during the "happily"s and the "not so happily." No matter what. We can always enlist His heavenly help and power through our Savior, Jesus Christ. What a comfort that is to me and to you!

So let your faith conquer your fear! You can do hard things.
Here's to spending the next 18 months of my life serving the Lord and being confident in my decision!

My Attempt at an Autobiography and Why it Would Suck

As we have been discussing fine literary works here in London, I have been lost in contemplation over what an author might write about me if I were to be the subject of a said literary work. Depending on the author, I suppose varying stories would pursue. Heaven knows if my mother were to make me a subject of a literary work she would write page after page about how talented and wonderful she thinks I am, as only a mother can do best. If my best friend were to write a novel about me, I'm sure it would be filled with mixed emotions as he/she knows so many different facets of my personality that others don't really see. But what if I were the author of my biography or rather an autobiography?

What would I have to say about Hannah Karen Wood? Would my thoughts be like the ones of my mother: full of positivity and light? To be frank, I doubt they would be. Rather I suppose my autobiography would be a short story of how great my life could have been. I might mention my seemingly endless struggle with depression or my frustrations with various cultural norms that upset me; but ultimately it would come down to a rather dreary story. Perhaps it would be one of those books that sits in the dark abysses of Barnes and Noble, a dust collector if you will, that finally runs out of print, a book that can only be found for $1 at a yard sale in some remote locale only weeks after being first printed. 

I realize this may sound quite depressing and frankly, it is. How terribly tragic it is that a person with the blessings I have been given thinks of her life as worth nothing more than an autobiography found at a yard sale. Now I suppose this view of my life isn't entirely my fault i.e. depression, however, it breaks my heart that I view myself in this light. How unfortunate that Satan has lead me to believe that my worth is so incredibly small.

Recently I had an interesting experience with a dear dear friend who is also struggling with depression. As I was talking to him and listening to this incredible, amazingly talented, capable human discuss his feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, it broke my heart. It was a sort of out-of-body experience as I realized that the feelings he was describing matched that of my very own thoughts and views of myself. If only I could possibly convey to this human just how much love our Heavenly Father has for him.

It is unfortunate that we live in a world where love is scoffed, made fun of, seen as nothing more than mystical child's play. Many see love as something found only in a cheesy Nicholas Sparks' novel; after all, marriage is no longer a sealing of love but rather a trial period of a relationship until things get too difficult, at least according to the world's standards. What the world doesn't realize is the effect that love can have on an individual and the sacredness of love. A person who knows he is loved can do much more than one who does not have this knowledge. It is only the pure love of Christ that can do this.

The pure love of Christ is the only cure for bringing someone to the understanding of their true worth. 

As I continue to work with my dear friend, I can only hope that I can attempt to emulate that very love the Savior extends to each of us. It is the Savior's love that conquers all depression. It is the Savior's love that leads me through my darkest moments. It is the pure love of Christ that I feel through my parents, dear friends, neighbors and my sweet nursery children that leads me through even the darkest moments of my depression.

May I also put in a plug here that although we must remember we are loved we must also remember TO LOVE. It is because of people who chose to openly love me that I am still living and breathing. It is because of the note I found on my pillow last night expressing love, it is because of the sweet texts I receive from my mother expressing love that I am still here. Don't miss those opportunities, for the impact one's love can have on another is far too great to surpass.  

May we take the time to truly love those with whom we associate. 

A Note from a Dear Friend Regarding Depression

I felt the weight of the phone in my hand as I took it away from my ear. The feelings of worry started to creep in. I replayed everything that had happened over the past year and the positive impact this will have, as well as the hardships this will bring not only for her, but also for her family and myself. The voice of panic, heard just moments before was on repeat in my head; “My Mom is taking me to the hospital.” I took a deep breath, and continued driving; thinking of the road we had ahead of us, as well the one we had come from.

My experience with depression is going to be different than that of the norm shared here on the desert daisies blog. My experience and view comes from the loved one.  The friend, the family member, the significant other, or whoever else may help with the battle of depression. Throughout my senior year of high school my best friend suffered from major depression, and I walked the journey right along with her. I saw the highs and the lows, and just about everything in between. I saw the thought processes, which led to the spirals into the dark abyss where you would wonder if they would ever find their way back to the surface. I was on the other side of the line during those late night phone calls when there seemed to be no point left to living, pleading with you to just wait one more day. I was the one tasting the victory when you realize just how far you have come, and you look back to see the battles you have won. I know depression is real. If there is one thing I learned from my experiences with depression it is that. IT IS REAL. As once said, “You’d never say, ‘It’s just cancer, get over it!’ So why do we say that about depression?” Depression is something people do struggle with, and as Hannah once said, “if left untreated it can literally be fatal!” So to those of you who struggle with depression, and those of you who know people who struggle please don’t tell them to just get over it, because trust me, it doesn’t work.

            Now, for those of you who struggle with depression or anything like it, the first thing I want you to know is that WE LOVE YOU. I don’t care how ugly, fat, boring, stupid, you think you are we love you. No matter how unlovable you think you are, I want you to know that you are loved. There is someone around you who loves you more than you could ever know. It does not matter the mistakes you have made, or will make. We don’t care about the silly things you some times say, or how much candy you eat. We love you and will always love you. Do I need to say it again? WE LOVE YOU. We know this battle isn’t easy, but we will be there to walk it with you. So reach out to us and let us help you. 

            Now for those of you, who are the loved ones, LOVE YOUR PEOPLE. I don’t care what they said or what they did. They need your love, just as badly as you need theirs; actually they probably need it more. SO LOVE THE CRAP OUT OF THEM. Send them an encouraging text, give them a phone call to tell them how much they mean to you, or go out of your way to do something nice for them. I know this road is not easy for you. It may be hard for your loved one, but it is hard for you as well. I want you to know that it’s okay. I want you to know that it will all be worth it. I want you to know that you are loved as well and that is why they have reached out to you, so take their hand and show them how to come up out of that dark abyss. One of my favorite quotes come from a speech given at BYU by Terry Warner says, “The telling blows against evil are struck one act of love at a time.” So strike your blows in this battle.

            I know this is probably stuff you have heard before, but I wanted to add my voice to those who have already spoken out for depression. It is a passion I have developed and it is real. It is a struggle. It can be helped. Yes, it is a hard road to travel down, but when you can look back and see the distance you have traveled, it somehow pushes you to go a little farther.

Why in the World Am I Going on a Mission?

If you would've asked me a few months ago if I was planning on serving a mission my answer would have been, "No way. It's not for me. I can't do the whole mission thing. I'm going to London instead, etc, etc, etc." Now here I am, in the middle of my junior year of college in London, England waiting for a mission call to come in the mail. The one thing I said I would never do in my young adult life is about to happen come January ish 2015.

It took almost two years of pondering off and on about serving a mission before I realized that going on a mission is exactly what I wanted to do. As I've been thinking about why this decision was so difficult for me, I have come to better understand the reality of Satan and the opportunity he took in my life to make an extremely good decision seem like a very bad one.

Satan led me to think, I am a "depressed person." Depressed people don't go on missions. They can't. It's simply not possible and the fact that I was considering a mission was ludicrous considering I would never be up for the task. Satan led me to believe that my emotions were too much; that in order to serve a mission I had to be perfectly well and happy all of the time. Now it seems ridiculous but at the time, it made perfect sense that I simply couldn't serve even if I wanted to.

Then it hit me. All of the reasons I didn't think I was fit for a mission were the exact reasons I needed to serve a mission. I struggle with an emotional disorder but so do millions and billions of people all over the world and one of them might just need me. One person I meet on my mission might just really need my experiences with depression to help them. And for whatever reason, right now, September 2014 is my time to serve.

Depression isn't easy. It is still a present difficulty in my life; however, I have grown so much through depression and through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have found the Lord through my struggles with something that could have ended in my life in a very literal sense.

 I want to go on a mission because I want other people to find the peace and joy that I know only the gospel can bring. I want people to know that there is hope for each of them through our Savior, Jesus Christ. I want people to know that it is only through the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that true joy can be found.

Although there are many different things that help my depression, (medication, therapy, art, etc.) there is really only one thing that continues to help me cope with this mental illness: my faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Because I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and because I know that I have a Savior who died and suffered for me, I know that I can experience true joy. And that's why I want to serve. Not because I'm some Gospel scholar or because I feel pressured to serve a mission or because I am not married and bored, but because I know that this gospel is the ONLY way to find peace in a world full of chaos. And I can't wait to teach people, even just one person, of this beautiful reality.

I know this gospel is true and I simply want to share it.


Cheers,

Hannah soon to be Sister Wood (WEIRD!!)

P. S. Special thanks to a dear friend who inspired and encouraged me to write this post. I love you with all my heart.

I Want it NOW.

"Don't care how, I want it Now!" Anyone recognize this? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory anyone?

Maybe this will refresh your memory:




I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking, "Man I would never act like that! What a spoiled brat." Boy was I wrong... lately I have turned into Hannah Veruca Salt Wood. Okay so maybe I'm not AS extreme as Miss Salt; however, I have become the queen of impatience. (Well I suppose this isn't a new thing. But certainly prevalent in my life at the moment.)

When I pray I want answers... now.
When I need help from the Lord I want it... now.
When I want my mission call to come in the mail I want it... now.
When I really really struggled with depression I wanted it to be over... now.

How often do we do this? Our world is so full of instant gratification. Basically anything we need can be accessed within three clicks or less from groceries to clothing to even buying a house. With the touch of a button, our needs have been met. However, I have learned over and over again that this is not how the Lord works. Prayer is not the Internet. Sure Heavenly Father has all of the answers but I guarantee they are not nearly as accessible as Google. I often wish they were. But I've also learned that it is through these times of waiting and patience that I become the most humble. I need the Lord desperately while waiting with all the faith I can muster for my prayers to be answered.

I am pretty sure I'm going to regret saying this but here it goes: I am grateful that I have to wait. I am grateful that I don't just get everything I need or want immediately. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who sees a bigger picture. And ultimately I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who continues to see the bigger picture as I struggle with the daily challenges of life.

So as I wait for the Lord to help me find my stupid retainer I somehow misplaced in the middle of London, England (don't tell my mother) I will rely on the faith I have that Heavenly Father hears me and listens to me, no matter how small or insignificant my concerns may be. He cares because I care.

Cheers from London,

Hannah

Bon Voyage! To London I Go!

If you were to wander into my room at this hour, you would more likely than not experience quite a fright as I am currently sitting on the floor next to my bed because every other square inch of my bedroom is covered in stuff I am taking with me across the pond to a little town called LONDON, ENGLAND! As I have been sitting here "packing," I couldn't help but feel the need to blog. For several reasons:

First and foremost, because I am living in another country for four months and that feels blog-worthy.

Secondly because my whole family decided to all go to bed at 9:45 this evening and I am JUST getting started!

BUT thirdly and most importantly I HAD to blog to express to you of the love I feel for my Heavenly Father. I wish I could adequately concoct the words necessary to convey my love for this perfect, loving and dear Heavenly Father of ours, but alas I know words can only do so much. However, this blog is a blog of many words so here is my humanly imperfect attempt. 

Now you all know by now that I am NOT a perfect person by any means. I struggle with countless self-doubts and inadequacies. And even though there are a lot of theories and questions I am still unsure of, there is one thing I will always know for certain: I Heavenly Father who loves me. 

His love is the kind of love that is unwavering. His love is the kind that moves mountains. His love is the kind that brings us closer to each other. His love is the kind of love that led a person named Joseph Smith to a grove of trees on a spring morning in Palmyra, New York some odd years ago. It is this love, the love of our Heavenly Father and our brother, Jesus Christ, that brings me this joy. 

I'm not happy because I'm going to London (although I'm ecstatic about that!) I'm not happy because I got super lucky today or something really awesome happened. In fact, I am not even simply happy. This feeling isn't happiness; it is joy. Joy because I know there is a God in heaven who lives; it is a joy that comes from knowing that an almighty being loves me and knows me, Hannah Karen Wood. 

My dear readers, if you forget every single thing I have ever written on this humble blog of mine, I hope you will at least remember this: God lives and God loves you. He really does. I see Him in the mountains around my home. I see Him in the uplifting texts I get from people who "coincidentally" knew I was having a bad day. I see Him in the love that I feel for a friend who is struggling. I see Him without even really seeing Him. 

How do you see Him? When was the last time you sat down on the floor next to your bed and really pondered how you've seen God in your life? Is He there? And if you feel like He's not, seek Him. And I promise you will find Him. 

May you find God in your life is my hope for you. 

Cheers, 

Hannah 

How It Feels to Lose the Spirit

When Joseph Smith saw the Savior for the first time he described at first a darkness that surrounded him that felt almost tangible. Then following the darkness came the most beautiful pillar of light, followed by the Savior himself.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 88:67 the Lord describes the power of light, "And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."

Both of these scenarios describe something that is all too familiar to me. We don't talk often enough in the church about just how real Satan is and the power that he can have over us if we let him. Depression has given me keen insight into this reality. In fact, just today I experienced an awful taste of what used to be surrounding me on a constant basis: this darkness and fear that comes directly from Satan. 

With the presence of Satan comes nothing but darkness, the opposite of light and truth from the Gospel. I know that Satan and his devils are with me when I feel any combination of these things: frustration, anger, confusion, bewilderment, lost, alone, undetermined, insignificant, misguided, unworthy, and/or hopeless. 

When Satan is with me I feel as if all hope is lost. I feel like I am a failure of a person, a failure of a friend, daughter, and sister. When Satan is with me I feel unworthy to have the spirit. And ultimately when Satan is with me, I forget that I am a daughter of God.

I testify that Satan is real. I know this because I have felt his presence in my life. And even though I feel his temptations often, I know that through Jesus Christ, I have power over Satan. He cannot control me. No matter what. That is not the plan of this Gospel. I know that Heavenly Father is waiting for us to ask for His help. We have the choice to reach out to Him and pull away from Satan. I hope we all may be able to do so. 

The Savior lives. 

In the name of Jesus Christ amen.

I pulled a lot of my thoughts from my favorite talk by Elder Holland called Cast Not away Therefore Your Confidence. It's a great read! 

I Rely on My Happy Pills

It is rather difficult to explain to non-forgetful people how frustrating it is to be a forgetful person but humor me for a second as I make an attempt. 

Every day I take medication to help with my depression. I take one of those medications that you've probably seen a commercial for and thought, "this is so weird." Yeah that's me. I put this medication on a pewter tray in my kitchen and it stays there so I never forget to take it. Well one day last week I decided to put my medication in my purse for some reason and of course, I forgot that I put it there. So I spent four days trying to find this stupid medication only to find that it had literally been with me everywhere I went that entire week. 

Needless to say I spent four days off of my meds and it was bad news. At first I was fine and didn't notice a difference. Then all of the sudden I started being overly-emotional about everything and my emotions were exhausting me. 

I learned a valuable lesson for about the hundredth time, I need my medication. And for some reason that really irks me. I hate that I need something to keep me stable but it is simply a fact of my life. And I've decided to be okay with that. 

I realize that the majority of you, my supportive readers, may not need to take a daily pill to keep yourselves emotionally stable, but perhaps a daily prescription (self-prescribed that is) is in order. We all need a good "happy pill." Maybe yours is going for a ten mile run. Or maybe it's a couple episodes of your favorite Netflix show. No matter what you decide, rest-assured we all need an equivalent of Han's Happy Pills. 

Since having depression, I have learned that it's completely acceptable and matter-of-factly essential for me to take care of myself. So not only do I need my prescribed pills every day, but I need plenty of other things every day in order to be happy. I need to be able to love someone. I need to be able to have at least a few minutes all to myself, even if that can only happen while driving. And most of all, I need to be able to pray, every single day. Even when no other happy pills seem to be taking effect, Heavenly Father is always there and constantly reaching out to Him brings me greater happiness than any other "pill" can. 

So go find your happy pill, whatever it may be!  

xoxo, 

Han

Show Me How Big Your Brave Is

I've been thinking a lot about bravery. What does it mean to be brave?

I would venture to say that most things we do in life require lots and lots of bravery.

It took bravery for me to admit that I was sick.
It took bravery for me to have my mom check me in to a mental health institute.
It took bravery for me to decide to go to college.

And every day it takes bravery for me to do things that I don't always want to do. I have learned through the whole two decades that I've been alive (such a long time, I know) that the best things in life often come from outrageous acts of bravery. It was outrageous for me to have that scary conversation with this extremely attractive boy. It was outrageous for me to write a blog that exposes all of my deepest secrets about my personal challenges. And it was super outrageous for me to decide to leave school for four months to go live in London.

But it's through these outrageous acts of courage that I have learned the most about who I am and who I want to be. By taking these leaps of faith, I have learned to thrive off of my practicing bravery.

There's a song by Sara Barailles called "Brave," I am sure you've heard it because it is probably the most over-played song on the radio as of the last four months. Anyway, the message this song contains inspires me! Sara (my home girl) says "Everybody's been there. Everybody's been stared down by the enemy... Don't run and show me, how big your brave is." I freaking love that. Everybody has been attacked by Satan at some point but everyone also has an opportunity to "show their brave" if you will.

My challenge for you this upcoming month of August (my favorite month due to my birthday obviously) is to show me your brave! Let's see it. What's something you have been just too afraid to do? Find it and go get it. Have you been afraid to ask for help? Well then ask for help! Have you been afraid to get out of a bad relationship? Then get out! It's your time to show me your brave. So let's see it!

And next time you hear that ridiculously over-played gem of a song, I hope you'll blast it and tell yourself that it's your time to be brave!!! Happy almost August, my beautiful readers.

xoxo,
han

Why My Birthday Is My Favorite

Oh the dreaded birthday. I've heard the older a person gets, the less and less that person enjoys their birthday; however, I must be some kind of large exception to this rule because my birthday is by far my favorite day of the year. In fact, I love my birthday so much that I use at an excuse to treat myself to a day of bliss (with a small budget of course, I do have a London trip to save for). Hence the reason I bought myself a Groupon for a day at the spa this year and a pair of ridiculously over-priced rain boots. (So the London budget may have been stretched just a little. Oops...) I figure my birthday is as good of a time as any to give myself the presents I feel I desperately deserve.

Although buying myself things is a definite plus to having a birthday, lately I've come to the realization that there must be more to my extreme birthday love than my self-proclaimed "need" for some self-indulgent gift giving. After much contemplation I've discovered that for me, my birthday signifies something truly wonderful. It signifies that I made it yet another year longer than I thought I would. It means that I get another year to make a bunch of mistakes, another year to travel, another year to meet new people, and another year to try and make a difference in this huge world.

So while most people may be moaning and groaning over yet another year of getting older, I'm going to be over here throwing myself a party with my new rain boots on and a big fat smile on my face knowing that this year may just be one of the best years of my life thus far. Who says depression has to be a show-stopper.

Happy 20th Birthday to me! (On August 5th, although I do accept celebrating of my birthday at really any time of the year)

xoxo,
Han

The Fears That Come with Depression

There is nothing more potentially awkward than meeting a person and realizing, "Wow I actually know everything about you already. You have tons of siblings. You served your mission in Washington. You were a babe in 1999. And you look just like that brother you posted a picture with." Sure enough, you already know more about this person than you really should, after all you only met ten seconds ago.

The only thing worse than meeting someone you already know tons about and pretending you know nothing is being the person who was stalked. This is the story of my life. Not because I have some exciting life or some super rad Instagram account; this simply happens as a consequence of this little blog of mine. 

All of my Facebook friends and Instagram followers, some of whom I haven't spoken to in literally years, all have the potential to know that:

1. I struggle with depression. 

2. Depression is a frequent occurrence in my life. 

3. I buy myself flowers. 

Dating has only increased my level of discomfort over this blog as guys have casually attempted to bring up the fact that they know my deepest secret. This is usually followed by my shameful attempts at trying to figure out a way to make it seem as if I don't even write this blog. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with depression. What I am ashamed of is the fact that I am so afraid of what people will think of me when they learn that I still struggle with this debilitating issue. 

I worry sometimes that people will judge me based solely on the fact that I struggle with this illness. I worry that people will treat me like some kind of patient and feel bad for me. I worry that my "friends" will desert me when things get really hard. 

You may be reading this and think, "Han, I would never do that!" But be honest here. Has the thought never crossed your mind that it might be hard to be friends with someone who struggles with this issue? Yeah we all have issues. But this, this is a big one. 

Now obviously I'm not trying to scare any of you away from being friends with me, in fact, I could use some more friends! But I'm just warning you now that I'm not perfect. I have come a long way in my battle with depression but I still struggle. I still sometimes wonder just how much longer I can take feeling this way. Does this mean I can't succeed in relationships and work? Of course not. Does this mean some people might think I can't succeed? Perhaps. 

But I realize that I have something to offer that no one else on this earth can. I still haven't figured out what that is exactly but I know that I'm not simply a meaningless blob of depression. I am a person who loves people more than is rationally acceptable and who understands how much depression hurts. I am a person who loves the Savior with all of my heart and who desperately needs Him. And most importantly I am a person who is a child of divine worth and purpose. And so are you. 

So next time you meet me, just know that I am well aware of your potential knowledge of my issues. However, this should give you all the more reason to feel really awesome when you realize that my life might be almost as hard as yours sometimes. 

Here's to a hard but blessed life!

Han 

Depression sucks.

Sometimes depression just sucks. It doesn't matter how righteous I may feel I've been living, sometimes depression just hits out of nowhere and it is frankly exhausting.

Today is one of those days for me: one of those days where I feel like life is way harder than it should be. Don't get me wrong, I have definitely come a LONG way since being diagnosed with depression, but that doesn't mean that I have fully conquered this illness, nor does that mean that I ever really will.

However, I have learned that when I have these feelings come on, there are several things I can do to help myself: 

1. First things first, I call a friend. There are only a select few that I feel like I can turn to- one of them is the Lord but often I need someone who can just text me and talk to me. So I find one. 

2.  I remind myself that things always get better and that I just have to keep holding on. (This step is much easier said then done, but it does work if repeated over and over and over again.)
3. Next I treat myself. Today I decided that I'm going to buy myself some peonies cause they're in season and I deserve some flowers.
4.  I try to stay focused as much as I can on the things I need to get done. (This is another one that is also much easier said than done.)  

5. Lastly I HAVE to remind myself to cancel out all negative thoughts that come to my mind. Often when I am feeling down, I catch myself in a downward spiral of negative thinking- we all do this! But it's so important to stop this IMMEDIATELY in its tracks. Whenever a negative thought comes to my head I think to myself, "Okay Han, is that really true?" The answer is almost always no. 

These steps may sound simple but when I have a "down day" it can often be rather difficult to muster the courage I need to take a step in the right direction. So what do I do when a bad day strikes? I keep moving forward. I don't ever give up and I keep my positive talk up as much as possible! As Hannah Montana used to say, "Nobody is perfect. I've gotta work it again and again til I get it right." (Yes I just quoted Hannah Montana. It's fine.) 

Keep working through, even if that means you have to do it over and over and over again! 

And if things still don't seem to be working out for you, go buy yourself some peonies! Heaven knows you deserve them. 

All my love, 

Han

And I almost forgot the most important part! Never forget that you have a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who are constantly cheering you on. Look for their hand in all aspects of your life. I promise you will be pleasantly surprised to find just how close they really are. 

The Distractions of Satan

As I was getting ready for bed tonight, I started my usual routine: contacts out, face washed, teeth brushed, etc. I hopped in bed and thought to myself, "I definitely deserve some Netflix time." However, as I was about to click next episode, I heard a little voice in me say, "Is this really the best way to spend your time?" 

Here we go again, with my conscience giving me the guilt trip. (Holy Ghost- 1 Hannah- 0) As I thought for a minute, I realized that the Holy Ghost was right! I needed to get off of Netflix and study the scriptures. I started by reading a talk given by Elder Richard G. Scott some years ago entitled, "Do What Is Right." I was inspired by his message and wanted to add my two cents to his wise words. 

If there is anything I've learned about Satan through my years of struggling with depression it is this: Satan works by small and simple things. Then again so does the Lord; but the Lord's small things bring about that which is good and praiseworthy. The small and simple enticements of the Devil bring about much misery and depression. 

Think about how many times even today you had a decision between good, better, and best or maybe even simply bad and good. Satan uses our seemingly small decisions each hour to directly effect our spiritual well-being. If he can get us to make even just one bad decision, then he has already begun leading us farther away from our Heavenly Father. How easy it must be for him to simply get me to watch a TV show instead of studying the words of the prophets! Nothing must make him happier than my clicking "next episode." And quite frankly, I hate that. I want nothing more than to make Satan mad at me! I want him to be frustrated to no end that I refuse to follow his enticements. 

Now I am definitely not implying that I am anywhere near being perfect, and I am also not implying that I'll no longer be watching shows on Netflix (oops!) but what I AM implying is that I want to do everything I can to prove to the Lord and to Satan that I know what's right and I will choose the right, even if the temptation is something as simple as clicking "next episode" or reading my scriptures. I am deciding right now that when these predicaments ensue in my life, I will choose the Lord over everything else. 

{If ya get a chance, go read Elder Scott's talk and ask yourself who you will choose to follow?}

Because of Him...

When I try to even comprehend a relationship I have on earth as special or profound as that of mine with the Savior, my head starts to spin. I reflect on past dating relationships I have had in which very few continued after a large mistake or conflict was left unresolved. I reflect on friendships where even though we may trust each other, there are still some things we may hold back from one another.

Then I think of my relationship with the Savior. I think of the conflicts I've created and the mistakes He is well aware that I have made. I think of the heartache I have caused Him over the course of my life. Not only have I let Him down, but He also knows that I will continue to let Him down throughout my life. Not only have I broken promises to Him but He knows that I have many more promises yet to break.

It is hard for me to even fathom a relationship like ours in which the other person (me) has made all of the mistakes yet the other in the relationship (Jesus Christ) through perfect love is still willing to care for me and die for me. Frankly, it makes no sense for Jesus Christ to love me so much. Yet His love for me is unwavering. It is there whether I feel deserving of it or not. It is there when I feel like no one else could ever love me. And it's not there because I am some awesome human or because I was just really fabulous in the pre-earth life, it is simply there. (See Elder Holland's "Like a Broken Vessel")

I am sure many of you have seen mormon.org's video, "Because of Him." As I was watching this video I reflected on what things I know because of Him. Because of Him:
-- I have the opportunity to change and be better.
-- I get to be with my family forever.
-- Even in my failed human state, I will still one day get to live with my Heavenly Father again.

The list could go on and on. But ultimately, and for the sake of this blog, because of Him, I have learned that I am worth more than what Satan would have me believe. Because of Him, I have come to the understanding that I am of infinite worth and that each of us is of infinite worth to Him and our loving Heavenly Father. Because of Him, I get to wake up every day knowing that depression will never be able to define me. Because of Him, I know that someone will always understand the emotional hurt I have felt.

May we take the opportunity today to celebrate His glorious life and resurrection. And if you haven't yet watched this video, I highly recommend it!

This is my absolute favorite picture of the Savior. Thought it should be included. 

I'm Not Always a Very Good Friend

Lately I have been doing some intense evaluating of my life- what kind of person I am, what kind of person I want to be, what qualities I wish I had, what qualities I wish I didn't have, etc. And as I've been evaluating, I've come to the humbling conclusion that sometimes I am just not nice. In fact more often than not I am quite judgmental of others, moody, dramatic and frankly self-centered. However, as I was going through my flaws, I realized there is one I hate more than all of the others and that is the inability I often have to be a good friend.

Now before you think I'm writing this to have a little pity party for myself, hang on a second, cause it's about to get better.

Not only am I sometimes a bad friend to those around me but I am a REALLY bad friend to myself. I treat myself like I am the scum of the earth. I set ridiculous expectations for myself and when those expectations are not completely met, I shut down and consider my life a failure.

How many of you would talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself if they made the mistakes that you make? I would venture to say very few of us would speak with such criticism to people we love.

Why do we do this? Why are we so obsessed with dwelling on our failures and the areas in which we simply fall short? I do it all the time. Every day. And although I will say that it is definitely important to know our flaws and work on them, it is not only unimportant but cruel to expect that if we cannot fix these flaws, we are worthless.

As I was talking to one of my best friends this week, feeling bad for myself and wanting to give up and throw in the towel, I had a bit of an "Aha! moment." I realized that you know what,  I'm better than this and I know it! Yeah... I mess up. (My best pal, Al will be the first to agree with this. The poor girl has been through lots and lots with me, what can I say? I am high maintenance.) But ya know what else I do? I apologize. I care. I love unconditionally. I try really really hard to be the best that I can. And even though I sometimes consider my life a total failure, I realize that I am loved by someone who knows all of these horrible things about me and doesn't consider me a failure. Not only is He willing to look past my shortcomings, but He keeps on loving me in spite of those things and that is our Savior, Jesus Christ. I love Him more than I could ever adequately express via blogpost or really any form of communicating. Every day I continue to be amazed at the little blessings that the Lord gives me- forgiving friends, wonderful Christ-like parents, awesome support from so many, I really could go on and on.

I suppose my point in telling you all of this isn't to say what my flaws are, those of you who know me are already quite aware of those, but to tell you that it's okay to be flawed. Flaws make us human! Flaws teach us how to be better and come closer to our Savior. Does that mean we will conquer all of our flaws? Um... no. I will probably never be patient. Ever. But does that mean I can't give it a fair shot? Of course not. (But really, don't hold me to to this cause I'm not sure if it'll go well. Actually I know it won't, but it's fine. Hold me to it.)

I love this Gospel because it is a Gospel of hope and change. Through this Gospel, we have the ability to become exactly who we want to be. You want to be better at forgiving yourself? Then try it. Pray about it. Ask for heaven's help and then do it. You want to get out of a pattern of self-loathing? Then stop loathing and start loving. Start loving who you are and embrace the divinity that is within you. Seek the Lord in all things and you will find that peace and happiness we all so desperately crave.

Here's to a week of trying to be better and here's to a week of a lot of flawed imperfect people trying to do the very best we can.


Xoxo,
Han

P.S. Although I'd love to claim all of these ideals as my own original thoughts, I have a best friend who is going to read this and feel like he is hearing his own words come out of my mouth. He knows who he is and I hope he knows how much I love and appreciate his support in my life. Thanks, B. And to all of you who continue to teach me so much about who I want to be and how to be better.

The One Where I Can't Commit

Those who know me well know that I am absolutely horrible at making decisions and sticking with them. One day I'm moving to another country and the next day I'm moving back in with my parents. (This sounds extreme but it was in fact a choice at one point.)

I've been thinking today about why I suffer so much with just committing. Committing to doing the right things; committing to stick with the decisions I make; committing to get better. Why do I struggle so much with commitment?

When I came out of the hospital my senior year of high school, I committed to doing everything I could to get well again. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew the commitment would be well worth it. Yet for some reason there are weeks where I still struggle with committing to change and to getting well. I suppose this could be attributed to many things, however, I've decided that more often than often than not the perfectionist inside of me is so afraid of failure that success becomes almost obsolete.

I don't want to get too well because then I'll be happy all the time and how am I supposed to keep that up? And what sort of expectations are people going to have for me? And then what? Then I'll have no excuse to put relationships on hold and to take naps all day instead of getting things done. I simply don't want to fail but then I also don't want to get so well that I can't mess up. As if that logic makes any sense whatsoever.

It's fascinating to me how often people do this. We commit to a goal, we're just about to reach it, and then something- some form of satanic distraction- gets in the way of our achieving the goals we set. I wish I had a better solution to this, but unfortunately this is a very real and present issue for me right now.

The only conclusion I can really come to at this point is that sometimes we just have to keep. moving. forward. Much easier said than done, but that's the basis of how we really get to achieve the things we truly want in this life. I over-quote this talk by Elder Holland but I'm going to over-quote it some more, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is hope and happiness ahead.."

Sometimes that ideal is all we can rely on- happiness will come and help will come and some day everything will work out just right. But for now, just keep walking and keep trying and don't ever give up.

Feeling non-commital,

Han

The Problem With Instant Gratification

The other day I had a question for a friend, nothing pressing, but somewhat important to me regardless. So naturally I sent this friend a quick text message inquiring about my question. I waited... and I waited... and I waited. Eventually it had been thirty minutes and I was concerned if this person was still alive. AND my question still hadn't been answered!!

I've thought about this: this constant need that I have for instant gratification in every aspect of my life. I'm hungry and I want food NOW.
I'm feeling ugly and I want new clothes NOW.
I have a question for a friend and I want an answer right NOW.

How often do we do this? How often do we get caught in this trap of expecting instantaneous results from our often minimal efforts?

I don't know how or when I decided that I should get everything I want exactly when I want it, but lately it has become an extremely pressing issue in my life; in fact, I would say the majority of my trials stem from the fact that I have this undying need to get what I want when I want it.

Unfortunately, or rather fortunately I suppose, this is not how the Lord works whatsoever (which He continues to remind me on a weekly basis as of late). The Lord gets to decide what things I have and what things I don't, because none of these things are mine to be had in the first place!

I will never be able to fully grasp the Lord's vision for my life. I will never fully understand eternal perspective; but, I know that the Lord sees much more than we do. He knows what we need and when we need it.

{I think I need new clothes, but do I really? I mean have you seen my closet? It's exploding.}

It's time to start putting the things that I want right now, this very instant, on hold for a while. Instead I am going to focus on what the Lord wants for me right now. And I can tell ya, He and I are definitely not on the same page just yet. But I'll get there. And I know that when I do, I will have learned that His plan truly is one of divine design, created for my ultimate happiness and success.

What's the Lord's plan for you right now in your life? Think about it. Learn it. Love it.

Xo

Han