Those who know me well know that I am absolutely horrible at making decisions and sticking with them. One day I'm moving to another country and the next day I'm moving back in with my parents. (This sounds extreme but it was in fact a choice at one point.)
I've been thinking today about why I suffer so much with just committing. Committing to doing the right things; committing to stick with the decisions I make; committing to get better. Why do I struggle so much with commitment?
When I came out of the hospital my senior year of high school, I committed to doing everything I could to get well again. I knew it wasn't going to be easy but I also knew the commitment would be well worth it. Yet for some reason there are weeks where I still struggle with committing to change and to getting well. I suppose this could be attributed to many things, however, I've decided that more often than often than not the perfectionist inside of me is so afraid of failure that success becomes almost obsolete.
I don't want to get too well because then I'll be happy all the time and how am I supposed to keep that up? And what sort of expectations are people going to have for me? And then what? Then I'll have no excuse to put relationships on hold and to take naps all day instead of getting things done. I simply don't want to fail but then I also don't want to get so well that I can't mess up. As if that logic makes any sense whatsoever.
It's fascinating to me how often people do this. We commit to a goal, we're just about to reach it, and then something- some form of satanic distraction- gets in the way of our achieving the goals we set. I wish I had a better solution to this, but unfortunately this is a very real and present issue for me right now.
The only conclusion I can really come to at this point is that sometimes we just have to keep. moving. forward. Much easier said than done, but that's the basis of how we really get to achieve the things we truly want in this life. I over-quote this talk by Elder Holland but I'm going to over-quote it some more, "Don't you quit. You keep walking. You keep trying. There is hope and happiness ahead.."
Sometimes that ideal is all we can rely on- happiness will come and help will come and some day everything will work out just right. But for now, just keep walking and keep trying and don't ever give up.
Feeling non-commital,
Han
3.04.2014
3.03.2014
The Problem With Instant Gratification
The other day I had a question for a friend, nothing pressing, but somewhat important to me regardless. So naturally I sent this friend a quick text message inquiring about my question. I waited... and I waited... and I waited. Eventually it had been thirty minutes and I was concerned if this person was still alive. AND my question still hadn't been answered!!
I've thought about this: this constant need that I have for instant gratification in every aspect of my life. I'm hungry and I want food NOW.
I'm feeling ugly and I want new clothes NOW.
I have a question for a friend and I want an answer right NOW.
How often do we do this? How often do we get caught in this trap of expecting instantaneous results from our often minimal efforts?
I don't know how or when I decided that I should get everything I want exactly when I want it, but lately it has become an extremely pressing issue in my life; in fact, I would say the majority of my trials stem from the fact that I have this undying need to get what I want when I want it.
Unfortunately, or rather fortunately I suppose, this is not how the Lord works whatsoever (which He continues to remind me on a weekly basis as of late). The Lord gets to decide what things I have and what things I don't, because none of these things are mine to be had in the first place!
I will never be able to fully grasp the Lord's vision for my life. I will never fully understand eternal perspective; but, I know that the Lord sees much more than we do. He knows what we need and when we need it.
{I think I need new clothes, but do I really? I mean have you seen my closet? It's exploding.}
It's time to start putting the things that I want right now, this very instant, on hold for a while. Instead I am going to focus on what the Lord wants for me right now. And I can tell ya, He and I are definitely not on the same page just yet. But I'll get there. And I know that when I do, I will have learned that His plan truly is one of divine design, created for my ultimate happiness and success.
What's the Lord's plan for you right now in your life? Think about it. Learn it. Love it.
Xo
Han
I've thought about this: this constant need that I have for instant gratification in every aspect of my life. I'm hungry and I want food NOW.
I'm feeling ugly and I want new clothes NOW.
I have a question for a friend and I want an answer right NOW.
How often do we do this? How often do we get caught in this trap of expecting instantaneous results from our often minimal efforts?
I don't know how or when I decided that I should get everything I want exactly when I want it, but lately it has become an extremely pressing issue in my life; in fact, I would say the majority of my trials stem from the fact that I have this undying need to get what I want when I want it.
Unfortunately, or rather fortunately I suppose, this is not how the Lord works whatsoever (which He continues to remind me on a weekly basis as of late). The Lord gets to decide what things I have and what things I don't, because none of these things are mine to be had in the first place!
I will never be able to fully grasp the Lord's vision for my life. I will never fully understand eternal perspective; but, I know that the Lord sees much more than we do. He knows what we need and when we need it.
{I think I need new clothes, but do I really? I mean have you seen my closet? It's exploding.}
It's time to start putting the things that I want right now, this very instant, on hold for a while. Instead I am going to focus on what the Lord wants for me right now. And I can tell ya, He and I are definitely not on the same page just yet. But I'll get there. And I know that when I do, I will have learned that His plan truly is one of divine design, created for my ultimate happiness and success.
What's the Lord's plan for you right now in your life? Think about it. Learn it. Love it.
Xo
Han
2.08.2014
Throwback to Two Years Ago
February 15, 2012.
Following an uncomfortable interview, I am lead to a room I'll be occupying for the week. I look to my right and see nothing but a bed and an extremely uncomfortable-looking pillow. The walls are dull and gray and I'm wondering if this is a hospital or a jail.
How had my life gotten to this point? I went from this happy-go-lucky go-getter girl to an emotionally disturbed teenager in a hospital bed at a neuropsychiatric institute.
With nothing but a fleece blanket and a Valentine bear from a dear friend, I had never felt so alone and misunderstood. I was scared out of my whits about not having my phone for a week, (Yes, we had some emotional attachment issues- what can I say? I was a wild teenager) not knowing what was going to happen next, and not knowing what these horrible people were going to make me do.
Little did I know that this experience would be the turning point of my entire existence. When a person is left in a room alone with nothing but a bear and a blanket, that person's mind will more often than not wander at an absurdly unreasonable rate to depths of the brain not even discovered. I was no exception to this as I laid in bed and swam through feelings of self doubt and bitterness. As the cloud got deeper, I remembered that there was someone who actually knew what I was experiencing. He knew because He lived through it.
Wonder and awe filled my mind as I finally realized that someone had been waiting for me to turn to them through all of these months of misery and depression, and this someone was only a prayer away.
That week I had the opportunity to establish a relationship with my Heavenly Father that had never been established. Before I knew it, we were having hourly chats and I knew Him. It was as if all of the sudden a light came on in my brain. I knew that He was with me. I knew that He loved me. And most of all I knew that He had already felt everything I was feeling at this exact moment.
After that hospital stay, my life changed. I started to see the Lord's hand every day- not because His hand wasn't there previously but because I finally started looking for the right things. I started loving myself and loving the people around me who had truly supported me through such a difficult time in my life. I started seeing four green lights in a row as not merely a coincidence but a tender mercy as I was running late to work.
These are the things I live for- the tender mercies of the Lord. They are everywhere. They come in all forms. They involve all kinds of people. (And did I mention they often come in the form of sugary delights from your inspired neighbors?)
Even in my darkest hour, tender mercies were there- they came in the form of phone calls with my best friend, delicious cookies from my favorite aunt, visits from those who truly loved me.
And they didn't stop there! These tender mercies continue over and over again in my life every day. May we take the time each day to simply find them and appreciate the little moments of joy that God presents every day.
Here's to two years of recovery from an emotional disorder that made me the happiest I could possibly ever be! Happy Anniversary of recovery to me myself and I.
I love all of you wonderful lovely people. Thank you for reading!
Xoxo,
Han
Following an uncomfortable interview, I am lead to a room I'll be occupying for the week. I look to my right and see nothing but a bed and an extremely uncomfortable-looking pillow. The walls are dull and gray and I'm wondering if this is a hospital or a jail.
How had my life gotten to this point? I went from this happy-go-lucky go-getter girl to an emotionally disturbed teenager in a hospital bed at a neuropsychiatric institute.
With nothing but a fleece blanket and a Valentine bear from a dear friend, I had never felt so alone and misunderstood. I was scared out of my whits about not having my phone for a week, (Yes, we had some emotional attachment issues- what can I say? I was a wild teenager) not knowing what was going to happen next, and not knowing what these horrible people were going to make me do.
Little did I know that this experience would be the turning point of my entire existence. When a person is left in a room alone with nothing but a bear and a blanket, that person's mind will more often than not wander at an absurdly unreasonable rate to depths of the brain not even discovered. I was no exception to this as I laid in bed and swam through feelings of self doubt and bitterness. As the cloud got deeper, I remembered that there was someone who actually knew what I was experiencing. He knew because He lived through it.
Wonder and awe filled my mind as I finally realized that someone had been waiting for me to turn to them through all of these months of misery and depression, and this someone was only a prayer away.
That week I had the opportunity to establish a relationship with my Heavenly Father that had never been established. Before I knew it, we were having hourly chats and I knew Him. It was as if all of the sudden a light came on in my brain. I knew that He was with me. I knew that He loved me. And most of all I knew that He had already felt everything I was feeling at this exact moment.
After that hospital stay, my life changed. I started to see the Lord's hand every day- not because His hand wasn't there previously but because I finally started looking for the right things. I started loving myself and loving the people around me who had truly supported me through such a difficult time in my life. I started seeing four green lights in a row as not merely a coincidence but a tender mercy as I was running late to work.
These are the things I live for- the tender mercies of the Lord. They are everywhere. They come in all forms. They involve all kinds of people. (And did I mention they often come in the form of sugary delights from your inspired neighbors?)
Even in my darkest hour, tender mercies were there- they came in the form of phone calls with my best friend, delicious cookies from my favorite aunt, visits from those who truly loved me.
And they didn't stop there! These tender mercies continue over and over again in my life every day. May we take the time each day to simply find them and appreciate the little moments of joy that God presents every day.
Here's to two years of recovery from an emotional disorder that made me the happiest I could possibly ever be! Happy Anniversary of recovery to me myself and I.
I love all of you wonderful lovely people. Thank you for reading!
Xoxo,
Han
1.16.2014
Nobody's Perfect; I Gotta Work It
I look at all these kids at BYU who are working 20+ hours a week, taking 16 credit hours, getting impressive grades all while making their apartment look spotless and being the relief society president.
Then I look at my life- I'm taking 11.5 credits so I don't have to be full time (cheating the system slightly) while working maybe 12 hours a week if I'm lucky. I hate studying and rarely do so. I also hate going to class and get relatively mediocre grades at best.
Lately I have been wallowing and complaining about how I feel completely inadequate to be surrounded by these people. I'm not perfect by any means and I do not fit the typical "goody-good BYU student" mold. I realize that these people have flaws that may be hard for others to recognize, but from what I see on the surface, I am way behind my fellow students on multiple levels.
But as I've been sitting here, wallowing, I've realized that I have so much more to offer than what I give myself credit for. So yeah I'm not a straight A student, but I make the best chocolate chip cookies you'll ever put in your mouth. I'm not a complete genius, but I can fake it and I rock at that.
We all have our thing! Can I compare my cookie-making abilities to my roommate's incredible academic success? No. Is one better than the other? Well yeah... cookie-making. Just kidding.
I am grateful that we all have our strengths. And next time you're comparing your life to Miss Susie Perfectionist you just remember how great you are and the things you've got that no one else can do quite as well as you.
As my great friend Hannah Montana once said, "Nobody's perfect." and I might add, "so stop trying to be."
Peace and Blessin's my lovely readers
Han
Then I look at my life- I'm taking 11.5 credits so I don't have to be full time (cheating the system slightly) while working maybe 12 hours a week if I'm lucky. I hate studying and rarely do so. I also hate going to class and get relatively mediocre grades at best.
Lately I have been wallowing and complaining about how I feel completely inadequate to be surrounded by these people. I'm not perfect by any means and I do not fit the typical "goody-good BYU student" mold. I realize that these people have flaws that may be hard for others to recognize, but from what I see on the surface, I am way behind my fellow students on multiple levels.
But as I've been sitting here, wallowing, I've realized that I have so much more to offer than what I give myself credit for. So yeah I'm not a straight A student, but I make the best chocolate chip cookies you'll ever put in your mouth. I'm not a complete genius, but I can fake it and I rock at that.
We all have our thing! Can I compare my cookie-making abilities to my roommate's incredible academic success? No. Is one better than the other? Well yeah... cookie-making. Just kidding.
I am grateful that we all have our strengths. And next time you're comparing your life to Miss Susie Perfectionist you just remember how great you are and the things you've got that no one else can do quite as well as you.
As my great friend Hannah Montana once said, "Nobody's perfect." and I might add, "so stop trying to be."
Peace and Blessin's my lovely readers
Han
12.20.2013
How Social Media Started to Ruin My Life...
The One Where I Give You, My Dear Readers, Some Food for Thought...
It's two in the afternoon and I've just gotten home from a long day at school. I've got about an hour to kill until I have to leave for work so I heat up something in the microwave and pull out the ol' laptop. Without even taking a second to think, I click on the Internet browser and start typing... f-a-c-e... my laptop recognizes where I'm going with this: Facebook. Before I know it, I am mindlessly scrolling through pictures of people I haven't seen in years doing things that I honestly don't care about.
If you're like me, this whole social media thing has taken a huge part of your daily life. Think about... what's the first thing you do when you're, let's say, waiting at the DMV for something? You pull out your phone. You check your Snapchat, you check your Instagram, maybe even a little Twitter action.. and frankly, it's exhausting.
Not only are you checking these apps incessantly but you're also expected to be posting everything about your life on them: the food you eat, the boys you date, the family you love, it's almost social suicide to simply not post!
Now we're back to my mindless scrolling but this time it's on Instagram. My Instagram feed shows my married friends cooking dinner for each other and being all in love, then I feel worthless and the negative thoughts of comparison start to haunt me. What a waste of my time and energy! There must be a solution.
My suggestion to you is this: what if we all stopped caring so much about who is dating whom and who is breaking up with whom and instead started focusing on what we're doing to be better people and serve those around us?
You're all my friends so I'm going to admit something rather embarrassing. I can't even come up with an accurate conjecture about how much time I spend on social media every day. This is pathetic but I don't even want to own up to how much time I spend every day comparing my life to every one of my Facebook and Instagram friends. To me, it's just not worth it anymore.
So from now on, I'm keeping my life to myself. If you want to know what's going on with me, who I'm dating or not dating, what I'm eating, feel free to contact me the old fashion way and put that phone of yours to good use. I'm convinced that the happiest we can be is when we are more focused on those around us in a service oriented mindset instead of what fun things we can do to make for a great Instagram post.
And that's my food for thought for you on this lovely winter day. Hope your holiday is going well and that this post wasn't too much honesty on one page.
Xoxo
Han
It's two in the afternoon and I've just gotten home from a long day at school. I've got about an hour to kill until I have to leave for work so I heat up something in the microwave and pull out the ol' laptop. Without even taking a second to think, I click on the Internet browser and start typing... f-a-c-e... my laptop recognizes where I'm going with this: Facebook. Before I know it, I am mindlessly scrolling through pictures of people I haven't seen in years doing things that I honestly don't care about.
If you're like me, this whole social media thing has taken a huge part of your daily life. Think about... what's the first thing you do when you're, let's say, waiting at the DMV for something? You pull out your phone. You check your Snapchat, you check your Instagram, maybe even a little Twitter action.. and frankly, it's exhausting.
Not only are you checking these apps incessantly but you're also expected to be posting everything about your life on them: the food you eat, the boys you date, the family you love, it's almost social suicide to simply not post!
Now we're back to my mindless scrolling but this time it's on Instagram. My Instagram feed shows my married friends cooking dinner for each other and being all in love, then I feel worthless and the negative thoughts of comparison start to haunt me. What a waste of my time and energy! There must be a solution.
My suggestion to you is this: what if we all stopped caring so much about who is dating whom and who is breaking up with whom and instead started focusing on what we're doing to be better people and serve those around us?
You're all my friends so I'm going to admit something rather embarrassing. I can't even come up with an accurate conjecture about how much time I spend on social media every day. This is pathetic but I don't even want to own up to how much time I spend every day comparing my life to every one of my Facebook and Instagram friends. To me, it's just not worth it anymore.
So from now on, I'm keeping my life to myself. If you want to know what's going on with me, who I'm dating or not dating, what I'm eating, feel free to contact me the old fashion way and put that phone of yours to good use. I'm convinced that the happiest we can be is when we are more focused on those around us in a service oriented mindset instead of what fun things we can do to make for a great Instagram post.
And that's my food for thought for you on this lovely winter day. Hope your holiday is going well and that this post wasn't too much honesty on one page.
Xoxo
Han
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