Lately I have been doing some intense evaluating of my life- what kind of person I am, what kind of person I want to be, what qualities I wish I had, what qualities I wish I didn't have, etc. And as I've been evaluating, I've come to the humbling conclusion that sometimes I am just not nice. In fact more often than not I am quite judgmental of others, moody, dramatic and frankly self-centered. However, as I was going through my flaws, I realized there is one I hate more than all of the others and that is the inability I often have to be a good friend.
Now before you think I'm writing this to have a little pity party for myself, hang on a second, cause it's about to get better.
Not only am I sometimes a bad friend to those around me but I am a REALLY bad friend to myself. I treat myself like I am the scum of the earth. I set ridiculous expectations for myself and when those expectations are not completely met, I shut down and consider my life a failure.
How many of you would talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself if they made the mistakes that you make? I would venture to say very few of us would speak with such criticism to people we love.
Why do we do this? Why are we so obsessed with dwelling on our failures and the areas in which we simply fall short? I do it all the time. Every day. And although I will say that it is definitely important to know our flaws and work on them, it is not only unimportant but cruel to expect that if we cannot fix these flaws, we are worthless.
As I was talking to one of my best friends this week, feeling bad for myself and wanting to give up and throw in the towel, I had a bit of an "Aha! moment." I realized that you know what, I'm better than this and I know it! Yeah... I mess up. (My best pal, Al will be the first to agree with this. The poor girl has been through lots and lots with me, what can I say? I am high maintenance.) But ya know what else I do? I apologize. I care. I love unconditionally. I try really really hard to be the best that I can. And even though I sometimes consider my life a total failure, I realize that I am loved by someone who knows all of these horrible things about me and doesn't consider me a failure. Not only is He willing to look past my shortcomings, but He keeps on loving me in spite of those things and that is our Savior, Jesus Christ. I love Him more than I could ever adequately express via blogpost or really any form of communicating. Every day I continue to be amazed at the little blessings that the Lord gives me- forgiving friends, wonderful Christ-like parents, awesome support from so many, I really could go on and on.
I suppose my point in telling you all of this isn't to say what my flaws are, those of you who know me are already quite aware of those, but to tell you that it's okay to be flawed. Flaws make us human! Flaws teach us how to be better and come closer to our Savior. Does that mean we will conquer all of our flaws? Um... no. I will probably never be patient. Ever. But does that mean I can't give it a fair shot? Of course not. (But really, don't hold me to to this cause I'm not sure if it'll go well. Actually I know it won't, but it's fine. Hold me to it.)
I love this Gospel because it is a Gospel of hope and change. Through this Gospel, we have the ability to become exactly who we want to be. You want to be better at forgiving yourself? Then try it. Pray about it. Ask for heaven's help and then do it. You want to get out of a pattern of self-loathing? Then stop loathing and start loving. Start loving who you are and embrace the divinity that is within you. Seek the Lord in all things and you will find that peace and happiness we all so desperately crave.
Here's to a week of trying to be better and here's to a week of a lot of flawed imperfect people trying to do the very best we can.
Xoxo,
Han
P.S. Although I'd love to claim all of these ideals as my own original thoughts, I have a best friend who is going to read this and feel like he is hearing his own words come out of my mouth. He knows who he is and I hope he knows how much I love and appreciate his support in my life. Thanks, B. And to all of you who continue to teach me so much about who I want to be and how to be better.
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