The Fears That Come with Depression

There is nothing more potentially awkward than meeting a person and realizing, "Wow I actually know everything about you already. You have tons of siblings. You served your mission in Washington. You were a babe in 1999. And you look just like that brother you posted a picture with." Sure enough, you already know more about this person than you really should, after all you only met ten seconds ago.

The only thing worse than meeting someone you already know tons about and pretending you know nothing is being the person who was stalked. This is the story of my life. Not because I have some exciting life or some super rad Instagram account; this simply happens as a consequence of this little blog of mine. 

All of my Facebook friends and Instagram followers, some of whom I haven't spoken to in literally years, all have the potential to know that:

1. I struggle with depression. 

2. Depression is a frequent occurrence in my life. 

3. I buy myself flowers. 

Dating has only increased my level of discomfort over this blog as guys have casually attempted to bring up the fact that they know my deepest secret. This is usually followed by my shameful attempts at trying to figure out a way to make it seem as if I don't even write this blog. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with depression. What I am ashamed of is the fact that I am so afraid of what people will think of me when they learn that I still struggle with this debilitating issue. 

I worry sometimes that people will judge me based solely on the fact that I struggle with this illness. I worry that people will treat me like some kind of patient and feel bad for me. I worry that my "friends" will desert me when things get really hard. 

You may be reading this and think, "Han, I would never do that!" But be honest here. Has the thought never crossed your mind that it might be hard to be friends with someone who struggles with this issue? Yeah we all have issues. But this, this is a big one. 

Now obviously I'm not trying to scare any of you away from being friends with me, in fact, I could use some more friends! But I'm just warning you now that I'm not perfect. I have come a long way in my battle with depression but I still struggle. I still sometimes wonder just how much longer I can take feeling this way. Does this mean I can't succeed in relationships and work? Of course not. Does this mean some people might think I can't succeed? Perhaps. 

But I realize that I have something to offer that no one else on this earth can. I still haven't figured out what that is exactly but I know that I'm not simply a meaningless blob of depression. I am a person who loves people more than is rationally acceptable and who understands how much depression hurts. I am a person who loves the Savior with all of my heart and who desperately needs Him. And most importantly I am a person who is a child of divine worth and purpose. And so are you. 

So next time you meet me, just know that I am well aware of your potential knowledge of my issues. However, this should give you all the more reason to feel really awesome when you realize that my life might be almost as hard as yours sometimes. 

Here's to a hard but blessed life!

Han