My Attempt at an Autobiography and Why it Would Suck

As we have been discussing fine literary works here in London, I have been lost in contemplation over what an author might write about me if I were to be the subject of a said literary work. Depending on the author, I suppose varying stories would pursue. Heaven knows if my mother were to make me a subject of a literary work she would write page after page about how talented and wonderful she thinks I am, as only a mother can do best. If my best friend were to write a novel about me, I'm sure it would be filled with mixed emotions as he/she knows so many different facets of my personality that others don't really see. But what if I were the author of my biography or rather an autobiography?

What would I have to say about Hannah Karen Wood? Would my thoughts be like the ones of my mother: full of positivity and light? To be frank, I doubt they would be. Rather I suppose my autobiography would be a short story of how great my life could have been. I might mention my seemingly endless struggle with depression or my frustrations with various cultural norms that upset me; but ultimately it would come down to a rather dreary story. Perhaps it would be one of those books that sits in the dark abysses of Barnes and Noble, a dust collector if you will, that finally runs out of print, a book that can only be found for $1 at a yard sale in some remote locale only weeks after being first printed. 

I realize this may sound quite depressing and frankly, it is. How terribly tragic it is that a person with the blessings I have been given thinks of her life as worth nothing more than an autobiography found at a yard sale. Now I suppose this view of my life isn't entirely my fault i.e. depression, however, it breaks my heart that I view myself in this light. How unfortunate that Satan has lead me to believe that my worth is so incredibly small.

Recently I had an interesting experience with a dear dear friend who is also struggling with depression. As I was talking to him and listening to this incredible, amazingly talented, capable human discuss his feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness, it broke my heart. It was a sort of out-of-body experience as I realized that the feelings he was describing matched that of my very own thoughts and views of myself. If only I could possibly convey to this human just how much love our Heavenly Father has for him.

It is unfortunate that we live in a world where love is scoffed, made fun of, seen as nothing more than mystical child's play. Many see love as something found only in a cheesy Nicholas Sparks' novel; after all, marriage is no longer a sealing of love but rather a trial period of a relationship until things get too difficult, at least according to the world's standards. What the world doesn't realize is the effect that love can have on an individual and the sacredness of love. A person who knows he is loved can do much more than one who does not have this knowledge. It is only the pure love of Christ that can do this.

The pure love of Christ is the only cure for bringing someone to the understanding of their true worth. 

As I continue to work with my dear friend, I can only hope that I can attempt to emulate that very love the Savior extends to each of us. It is the Savior's love that conquers all depression. It is the Savior's love that leads me through my darkest moments. It is the pure love of Christ that I feel through my parents, dear friends, neighbors and my sweet nursery children that leads me through even the darkest moments of my depression.

May I also put in a plug here that although we must remember we are loved we must also remember TO LOVE. It is because of people who chose to openly love me that I am still living and breathing. It is because of the note I found on my pillow last night expressing love, it is because of the sweet texts I receive from my mother expressing love that I am still here. Don't miss those opportunities, for the impact one's love can have on another is far too great to surpass.  

May we take the time to truly love those with whom we associate. 

A Note from a Dear Friend Regarding Depression

I felt the weight of the phone in my hand as I took it away from my ear. The feelings of worry started to creep in. I replayed everything that had happened over the past year and the positive impact this will have, as well as the hardships this will bring not only for her, but also for her family and myself. The voice of panic, heard just moments before was on repeat in my head; “My Mom is taking me to the hospital.” I took a deep breath, and continued driving; thinking of the road we had ahead of us, as well the one we had come from.

My experience with depression is going to be different than that of the norm shared here on the desert daisies blog. My experience and view comes from the loved one.  The friend, the family member, the significant other, or whoever else may help with the battle of depression. Throughout my senior year of high school my best friend suffered from major depression, and I walked the journey right along with her. I saw the highs and the lows, and just about everything in between. I saw the thought processes, which led to the spirals into the dark abyss where you would wonder if they would ever find their way back to the surface. I was on the other side of the line during those late night phone calls when there seemed to be no point left to living, pleading with you to just wait one more day. I was the one tasting the victory when you realize just how far you have come, and you look back to see the battles you have won. I know depression is real. If there is one thing I learned from my experiences with depression it is that. IT IS REAL. As once said, “You’d never say, ‘It’s just cancer, get over it!’ So why do we say that about depression?” Depression is something people do struggle with, and as Hannah once said, “if left untreated it can literally be fatal!” So to those of you who struggle with depression, and those of you who know people who struggle please don’t tell them to just get over it, because trust me, it doesn’t work.

            Now, for those of you who struggle with depression or anything like it, the first thing I want you to know is that WE LOVE YOU. I don’t care how ugly, fat, boring, stupid, you think you are we love you. No matter how unlovable you think you are, I want you to know that you are loved. There is someone around you who loves you more than you could ever know. It does not matter the mistakes you have made, or will make. We don’t care about the silly things you some times say, or how much candy you eat. We love you and will always love you. Do I need to say it again? WE LOVE YOU. We know this battle isn’t easy, but we will be there to walk it with you. So reach out to us and let us help you. 

            Now for those of you, who are the loved ones, LOVE YOUR PEOPLE. I don’t care what they said or what they did. They need your love, just as badly as you need theirs; actually they probably need it more. SO LOVE THE CRAP OUT OF THEM. Send them an encouraging text, give them a phone call to tell them how much they mean to you, or go out of your way to do something nice for them. I know this road is not easy for you. It may be hard for your loved one, but it is hard for you as well. I want you to know that it’s okay. I want you to know that it will all be worth it. I want you to know that you are loved as well and that is why they have reached out to you, so take their hand and show them how to come up out of that dark abyss. One of my favorite quotes come from a speech given at BYU by Terry Warner says, “The telling blows against evil are struck one act of love at a time.” So strike your blows in this battle.

            I know this is probably stuff you have heard before, but I wanted to add my voice to those who have already spoken out for depression. It is a passion I have developed and it is real. It is a struggle. It can be helped. Yes, it is a hard road to travel down, but when you can look back and see the distance you have traveled, it somehow pushes you to go a little farther.

Why in the World Am I Going on a Mission?

If you would've asked me a few months ago if I was planning on serving a mission my answer would have been, "No way. It's not for me. I can't do the whole mission thing. I'm going to London instead, etc, etc, etc." Now here I am, in the middle of my junior year of college in London, England waiting for a mission call to come in the mail. The one thing I said I would never do in my young adult life is about to happen come January ish 2015.

It took almost two years of pondering off and on about serving a mission before I realized that going on a mission is exactly what I wanted to do. As I've been thinking about why this decision was so difficult for me, I have come to better understand the reality of Satan and the opportunity he took in my life to make an extremely good decision seem like a very bad one.

Satan led me to think, I am a "depressed person." Depressed people don't go on missions. They can't. It's simply not possible and the fact that I was considering a mission was ludicrous considering I would never be up for the task. Satan led me to believe that my emotions were too much; that in order to serve a mission I had to be perfectly well and happy all of the time. Now it seems ridiculous but at the time, it made perfect sense that I simply couldn't serve even if I wanted to.

Then it hit me. All of the reasons I didn't think I was fit for a mission were the exact reasons I needed to serve a mission. I struggle with an emotional disorder but so do millions and billions of people all over the world and one of them might just need me. One person I meet on my mission might just really need my experiences with depression to help them. And for whatever reason, right now, September 2014 is my time to serve.

Depression isn't easy. It is still a present difficulty in my life; however, I have grown so much through depression and through the gospel of Jesus Christ. I have found the Lord through my struggles with something that could have ended in my life in a very literal sense.

 I want to go on a mission because I want other people to find the peace and joy that I know only the gospel can bring. I want people to know that there is hope for each of them through our Savior, Jesus Christ. I want people to know that it is only through the gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints that true joy can be found.

Although there are many different things that help my depression, (medication, therapy, art, etc.) there is really only one thing that continues to help me cope with this mental illness: my faith in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Because I know that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and because I know that I have a Savior who died and suffered for me, I know that I can experience true joy. And that's why I want to serve. Not because I'm some Gospel scholar or because I feel pressured to serve a mission or because I am not married and bored, but because I know that this gospel is the ONLY way to find peace in a world full of chaos. And I can't wait to teach people, even just one person, of this beautiful reality.

I know this gospel is true and I simply want to share it.


Cheers,

Hannah soon to be Sister Wood (WEIRD!!)

P. S. Special thanks to a dear friend who inspired and encouraged me to write this post. I love you with all my heart.

I Want it NOW.

"Don't care how, I want it Now!" Anyone recognize this? Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory anyone?

Maybe this will refresh your memory:




I remember watching this movie as a kid and thinking, "Man I would never act like that! What a spoiled brat." Boy was I wrong... lately I have turned into Hannah Veruca Salt Wood. Okay so maybe I'm not AS extreme as Miss Salt; however, I have become the queen of impatience. (Well I suppose this isn't a new thing. But certainly prevalent in my life at the moment.)

When I pray I want answers... now.
When I need help from the Lord I want it... now.
When I want my mission call to come in the mail I want it... now.
When I really really struggled with depression I wanted it to be over... now.

How often do we do this? Our world is so full of instant gratification. Basically anything we need can be accessed within three clicks or less from groceries to clothing to even buying a house. With the touch of a button, our needs have been met. However, I have learned over and over again that this is not how the Lord works. Prayer is not the Internet. Sure Heavenly Father has all of the answers but I guarantee they are not nearly as accessible as Google. I often wish they were. But I've also learned that it is through these times of waiting and patience that I become the most humble. I need the Lord desperately while waiting with all the faith I can muster for my prayers to be answered.

I am pretty sure I'm going to regret saying this but here it goes: I am grateful that I have to wait. I am grateful that I don't just get everything I need or want immediately. I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who sees a bigger picture. And ultimately I am grateful for a Heavenly Father who continues to see the bigger picture as I struggle with the daily challenges of life.

So as I wait for the Lord to help me find my stupid retainer I somehow misplaced in the middle of London, England (don't tell my mother) I will rely on the faith I have that Heavenly Father hears me and listens to me, no matter how small or insignificant my concerns may be. He cares because I care.

Cheers from London,

Hannah

Bon Voyage! To London I Go!

If you were to wander into my room at this hour, you would more likely than not experience quite a fright as I am currently sitting on the floor next to my bed because every other square inch of my bedroom is covered in stuff I am taking with me across the pond to a little town called LONDON, ENGLAND! As I have been sitting here "packing," I couldn't help but feel the need to blog. For several reasons:

First and foremost, because I am living in another country for four months and that feels blog-worthy.

Secondly because my whole family decided to all go to bed at 9:45 this evening and I am JUST getting started!

BUT thirdly and most importantly I HAD to blog to express to you of the love I feel for my Heavenly Father. I wish I could adequately concoct the words necessary to convey my love for this perfect, loving and dear Heavenly Father of ours, but alas I know words can only do so much. However, this blog is a blog of many words so here is my humanly imperfect attempt. 

Now you all know by now that I am NOT a perfect person by any means. I struggle with countless self-doubts and inadequacies. And even though there are a lot of theories and questions I am still unsure of, there is one thing I will always know for certain: I Heavenly Father who loves me. 

His love is the kind of love that is unwavering. His love is the kind that moves mountains. His love is the kind that brings us closer to each other. His love is the kind of love that led a person named Joseph Smith to a grove of trees on a spring morning in Palmyra, New York some odd years ago. It is this love, the love of our Heavenly Father and our brother, Jesus Christ, that brings me this joy. 

I'm not happy because I'm going to London (although I'm ecstatic about that!) I'm not happy because I got super lucky today or something really awesome happened. In fact, I am not even simply happy. This feeling isn't happiness; it is joy. Joy because I know there is a God in heaven who lives; it is a joy that comes from knowing that an almighty being loves me and knows me, Hannah Karen Wood. 

My dear readers, if you forget every single thing I have ever written on this humble blog of mine, I hope you will at least remember this: God lives and God loves you. He really does. I see Him in the mountains around my home. I see Him in the uplifting texts I get from people who "coincidentally" knew I was having a bad day. I see Him in the love that I feel for a friend who is struggling. I see Him without even really seeing Him. 

How do you see Him? When was the last time you sat down on the floor next to your bed and really pondered how you've seen God in your life? Is He there? And if you feel like He's not, seek Him. And I promise you will find Him. 

May you find God in your life is my hope for you. 

Cheers, 

Hannah