How It Feels to Lose the Spirit

When Joseph Smith saw the Savior for the first time he described at first a darkness that surrounded him that felt almost tangible. Then following the darkness came the most beautiful pillar of light, followed by the Savior himself.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 88:67 the Lord describes the power of light, "And if your eye be single to my glory, your whole bodies shall be filled with light, and there shall be no darkness in you; and that body which is filled with light comprehendeth all things."

Both of these scenarios describe something that is all too familiar to me. We don't talk often enough in the church about just how real Satan is and the power that he can have over us if we let him. Depression has given me keen insight into this reality. In fact, just today I experienced an awful taste of what used to be surrounding me on a constant basis: this darkness and fear that comes directly from Satan. 

With the presence of Satan comes nothing but darkness, the opposite of light and truth from the Gospel. I know that Satan and his devils are with me when I feel any combination of these things: frustration, anger, confusion, bewilderment, lost, alone, undetermined, insignificant, misguided, unworthy, and/or hopeless. 

When Satan is with me I feel as if all hope is lost. I feel like I am a failure of a person, a failure of a friend, daughter, and sister. When Satan is with me I feel unworthy to have the spirit. And ultimately when Satan is with me, I forget that I am a daughter of God.

I testify that Satan is real. I know this because I have felt his presence in my life. And even though I feel his temptations often, I know that through Jesus Christ, I have power over Satan. He cannot control me. No matter what. That is not the plan of this Gospel. I know that Heavenly Father is waiting for us to ask for His help. We have the choice to reach out to Him and pull away from Satan. I hope we all may be able to do so. 

The Savior lives. 

In the name of Jesus Christ amen.

I pulled a lot of my thoughts from my favorite talk by Elder Holland called Cast Not away Therefore Your Confidence. It's a great read! 

I Rely on My Happy Pills

It is rather difficult to explain to non-forgetful people how frustrating it is to be a forgetful person but humor me for a second as I make an attempt. 

Every day I take medication to help with my depression. I take one of those medications that you've probably seen a commercial for and thought, "this is so weird." Yeah that's me. I put this medication on a pewter tray in my kitchen and it stays there so I never forget to take it. Well one day last week I decided to put my medication in my purse for some reason and of course, I forgot that I put it there. So I spent four days trying to find this stupid medication only to find that it had literally been with me everywhere I went that entire week. 

Needless to say I spent four days off of my meds and it was bad news. At first I was fine and didn't notice a difference. Then all of the sudden I started being overly-emotional about everything and my emotions were exhausting me. 

I learned a valuable lesson for about the hundredth time, I need my medication. And for some reason that really irks me. I hate that I need something to keep me stable but it is simply a fact of my life. And I've decided to be okay with that. 

I realize that the majority of you, my supportive readers, may not need to take a daily pill to keep yourselves emotionally stable, but perhaps a daily prescription (self-prescribed that is) is in order. We all need a good "happy pill." Maybe yours is going for a ten mile run. Or maybe it's a couple episodes of your favorite Netflix show. No matter what you decide, rest-assured we all need an equivalent of Han's Happy Pills. 

Since having depression, I have learned that it's completely acceptable and matter-of-factly essential for me to take care of myself. So not only do I need my prescribed pills every day, but I need plenty of other things every day in order to be happy. I need to be able to love someone. I need to be able to have at least a few minutes all to myself, even if that can only happen while driving. And most of all, I need to be able to pray, every single day. Even when no other happy pills seem to be taking effect, Heavenly Father is always there and constantly reaching out to Him brings me greater happiness than any other "pill" can. 

So go find your happy pill, whatever it may be!  

xoxo, 

Han

Show Me How Big Your Brave Is

I've been thinking a lot about bravery. What does it mean to be brave?

I would venture to say that most things we do in life require lots and lots of bravery.

It took bravery for me to admit that I was sick.
It took bravery for me to have my mom check me in to a mental health institute.
It took bravery for me to decide to go to college.

And every day it takes bravery for me to do things that I don't always want to do. I have learned through the whole two decades that I've been alive (such a long time, I know) that the best things in life often come from outrageous acts of bravery. It was outrageous for me to have that scary conversation with this extremely attractive boy. It was outrageous for me to write a blog that exposes all of my deepest secrets about my personal challenges. And it was super outrageous for me to decide to leave school for four months to go live in London.

But it's through these outrageous acts of courage that I have learned the most about who I am and who I want to be. By taking these leaps of faith, I have learned to thrive off of my practicing bravery.

There's a song by Sara Barailles called "Brave," I am sure you've heard it because it is probably the most over-played song on the radio as of the last four months. Anyway, the message this song contains inspires me! Sara (my home girl) says "Everybody's been there. Everybody's been stared down by the enemy... Don't run and show me, how big your brave is." I freaking love that. Everybody has been attacked by Satan at some point but everyone also has an opportunity to "show their brave" if you will.

My challenge for you this upcoming month of August (my favorite month due to my birthday obviously) is to show me your brave! Let's see it. What's something you have been just too afraid to do? Find it and go get it. Have you been afraid to ask for help? Well then ask for help! Have you been afraid to get out of a bad relationship? Then get out! It's your time to show me your brave. So let's see it!

And next time you hear that ridiculously over-played gem of a song, I hope you'll blast it and tell yourself that it's your time to be brave!!! Happy almost August, my beautiful readers.

xoxo,
han

Why My Birthday Is My Favorite

Oh the dreaded birthday. I've heard the older a person gets, the less and less that person enjoys their birthday; however, I must be some kind of large exception to this rule because my birthday is by far my favorite day of the year. In fact, I love my birthday so much that I use at an excuse to treat myself to a day of bliss (with a small budget of course, I do have a London trip to save for). Hence the reason I bought myself a Groupon for a day at the spa this year and a pair of ridiculously over-priced rain boots. (So the London budget may have been stretched just a little. Oops...) I figure my birthday is as good of a time as any to give myself the presents I feel I desperately deserve.

Although buying myself things is a definite plus to having a birthday, lately I've come to the realization that there must be more to my extreme birthday love than my self-proclaimed "need" for some self-indulgent gift giving. After much contemplation I've discovered that for me, my birthday signifies something truly wonderful. It signifies that I made it yet another year longer than I thought I would. It means that I get another year to make a bunch of mistakes, another year to travel, another year to meet new people, and another year to try and make a difference in this huge world.

So while most people may be moaning and groaning over yet another year of getting older, I'm going to be over here throwing myself a party with my new rain boots on and a big fat smile on my face knowing that this year may just be one of the best years of my life thus far. Who says depression has to be a show-stopper.

Happy 20th Birthday to me! (On August 5th, although I do accept celebrating of my birthday at really any time of the year)

xoxo,
Han

The Fears That Come with Depression

There is nothing more potentially awkward than meeting a person and realizing, "Wow I actually know everything about you already. You have tons of siblings. You served your mission in Washington. You were a babe in 1999. And you look just like that brother you posted a picture with." Sure enough, you already know more about this person than you really should, after all you only met ten seconds ago.

The only thing worse than meeting someone you already know tons about and pretending you know nothing is being the person who was stalked. This is the story of my life. Not because I have some exciting life or some super rad Instagram account; this simply happens as a consequence of this little blog of mine. 

All of my Facebook friends and Instagram followers, some of whom I haven't spoken to in literally years, all have the potential to know that:

1. I struggle with depression. 

2. Depression is a frequent occurrence in my life. 

3. I buy myself flowers. 

Dating has only increased my level of discomfort over this blog as guys have casually attempted to bring up the fact that they know my deepest secret. This is usually followed by my shameful attempts at trying to figure out a way to make it seem as if I don't even write this blog. 

Don't get me wrong, I am not ashamed to admit that I struggle with depression. What I am ashamed of is the fact that I am so afraid of what people will think of me when they learn that I still struggle with this debilitating issue. 

I worry sometimes that people will judge me based solely on the fact that I struggle with this illness. I worry that people will treat me like some kind of patient and feel bad for me. I worry that my "friends" will desert me when things get really hard. 

You may be reading this and think, "Han, I would never do that!" But be honest here. Has the thought never crossed your mind that it might be hard to be friends with someone who struggles with this issue? Yeah we all have issues. But this, this is a big one. 

Now obviously I'm not trying to scare any of you away from being friends with me, in fact, I could use some more friends! But I'm just warning you now that I'm not perfect. I have come a long way in my battle with depression but I still struggle. I still sometimes wonder just how much longer I can take feeling this way. Does this mean I can't succeed in relationships and work? Of course not. Does this mean some people might think I can't succeed? Perhaps. 

But I realize that I have something to offer that no one else on this earth can. I still haven't figured out what that is exactly but I know that I'm not simply a meaningless blob of depression. I am a person who loves people more than is rationally acceptable and who understands how much depression hurts. I am a person who loves the Savior with all of my heart and who desperately needs Him. And most importantly I am a person who is a child of divine worth and purpose. And so are you. 

So next time you meet me, just know that I am well aware of your potential knowledge of my issues. However, this should give you all the more reason to feel really awesome when you realize that my life might be almost as hard as yours sometimes. 

Here's to a hard but blessed life!

Han