You are walking toward the road of recovery, you are seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, but that doesn't mean that there aren't bumps in the road. Just because you're on the right path doesn't mean the path with be lit with sunshine and sweetly-scented flowers. It remains a difficult trek, and you could battle with the darkness for the rest of your life. Be not discouraged, these "setbacks" are normal, and often common when recovering from depression.
Jennifer Scott defines a setback as a "flare up" of depression symptoms. The lack of interest, the crying spells... You know what they are. The reason I bring this topic up is because I feel it needs a conversation; it needs a voice.
I had known what I wanted to do my whole life. Ever since I was small I knew I was going to be a nurse. I was going to do whatever it took to become one, and I felt that I had the compassion to complete the journey.
"It takes a special person," they always told me, "To be able to do nursing."
When I moved to Orem from Saint George, I imagined myself continuing on this path toward my ultimate career. It was the only thing keeping me pushing through hard times. Although I had taken a semester off, I had planned to start classes again in the summer and really buckle down into this passion of mine. I even had a roommate in the nursing program here at UVU, and I aspired to, some day soon, join her. I had my affairs in order and I went to the school pre-nursing academic counselor to talk about my plans. He looked at my grades, and a checklist he held in his hand. He spoke the words robotically.
"You'll have to re take anatomy. And physiology. And math 1050. And chemistry."
I was speechless. Those classes were hard earned grades that I had to really fight for, even through the thick woods that was my depression. I started to choke up.
"So you're telling me that I will have to retake every college class I've ever taken?"
He shrugged.
"Basically."
Tears spouted from my eyes, finally bursting through the guard holding them back.
"I'm sorry," I said. "It's just extremely discouraging to hear that I basically have to start over."
He said he understood and suggested choosing another school to attend, for I would never make it into UVU's nursing school with the grades I held.
I left feeling that the ground beneath me was sinking, and that I would surely fall into that dark place again. What was my plan? Where was I supposed to go?
The coming weeks was all working and stressing and sleeping and crying. Crying about what, I wasn't sure. I was also dealing with a lot of mixed messages from an ex boyfriend of mine, and on top of that I was feeling embarrassed about what I had become. I was embarrassed to admit to myself that my depression was not gone, that it was still very real.
This, I've come to see, was a setback. I've struggled to get back to where I once was, I admit. I struggle to find out what I'm supposed to be, when two months ago I was so sure. But this is all part of the recovery, my research tells me.
When talking about setbacks with Kaitie Forbes, a dear, dear friend of mine, we talked about what a "setback" is to us, and our fears surrounding them.
"I feel like people don't know the real me at times, and who I am deep down." she says.
I have talked with many people who feel the same way. They feel that when they are depressed or having a setback, their personality is not who they are; the depression feels like a seperate person we tell stories about.
Doctor David Blackburn of Scott & White Hospital in Temple, Texas, gives some advice on how to hurdle these setbacks:
Use coping techniques. Techniques such as guiding your thoughts away from absolute determinations-- for example telling yourself that "eating this cookie is unhealthy. I am unhealthy."
Improve dietary and exercise habits. If you take care of your body, you'll feel better. This goes for both physical and mental health.
Ask about adjusting your medication. Sometimes setbacks can occur due to a dulling of your medication potency. Ask your doctor about raising your dose, changing medication, etc.
Consider psychotherapy. If you haven't been to see a counselor or a psychiatrist yet, consider the possiblity of starting or returning to one. (If you live in Provo, I have a fabulous woman I used to see... Just ask me!)
In following this advice and, as I always say, sticking together, we can all survive and thrive with our depression!
~Alyson
